Reality TV Christianity

I know it has been a while since I have written on here. Life has been busy and I haven’t had internet. I have also been lazy and when I have had internet I have been scrolling Facebook and watching Netflix (sooo productive…). I decided to write tonight because I am unable to sleep, the reason I am unable to sleep is because I am recovering from whiplash. This past Thursday I was involved in a car accident. The tread on my tire disintegrated while I was driving around a curved off ramp, I ended up doing two 360’s before winding up on the side of the road. By pure miracle I was not hit, my car was basically undamaged and I am pretty much unhurt, except for the pain in my neck and shoulders.

As I was lying in bed I was debating what I wanted to do, there really isn't much you can do at 2 am. My options were read a book, watch Netflix or listen to music. I didn't really want to do any of those things because they required some movement so I just lay here thinking for a while. That was when I was reminded of a thought I had the other day. My thought was this, why are we as Christians not making a bigger impact on the world?

I think one reason (speaking as an American Christian who observes American Christians) is that we tend to take ourselves out of the picture when observing others. We see someone with the means to help the poor yet walks right by them and we scoff and judge. We see someone dressing inappropriately and again scoff and judge. We watch families fall apart make comments on what should have happened, or how they should have fixed things. We watch Church fights and arguments; remaining silent when there is a chance to speak but when off to the sidelines making comments as if we are experts. It is as if we have turned the Church and our fellow brothers and sister in Christ into Netflix shows instead of real people. I say this because I know I have been guilty of it.

I think back on how many times I have seen situations arise and just sit on the sidelines waiting for the next bit to happen, until something more interesting comes along. Or how many times have I jumped onto the latest Christian bandwagon because it was “cool” to support something that everyone else was supporting and then watch it die out when the next new “fad” came up?

 When did feeding the poor, helping the broken hearted and making lives new become just another piece of entertainment that we tune into when our other programs get boring? When did loving people turn into “This person’s story line isn't changing the way I want it to or as fast as I think it should so I am just going to switch programs, to something I like better, that suites me better”. We aren't making an impact because we aren't willing to take the time to be an impact. We want to change the world for Jesus yet we don’t want to live the way Jesus did. Jesus went out and helped people. He lived life with those that he wanted to change. He did that because he actually loved and cared for them.

When life got tough for Jesus he didn't move onto the next thing, he stayed the course. I think I have hit myself over the head a few times with my own writing. I want to make a difference but am I truly willing to make the sacrifices for that difference or am I looking for just another source of entertainment to fill my time. I hope that my answer from now on will be a resounding yes, but I know that at times I will fail. I just hope when I do the Lord will remind me not to treat those around me as TV show. Instead I pray that I will be reminded that I am actually a part of the life that is going on around me, I am not just viewer waiting for the next segment. I can be a main character with a purpose.

Gods Favorite Moments

I have been wrestling over the past few weeks about why I have had to go through a lot of the crap that I have gone through in my life. I think many of you my friends can relate to this. There have been situations that we have lived through that we wish we hadn’t or we feel was completely unnecessary. I think this is normal. No one likes to talk about what has made them cry, or when they hit rock bottom. I love making people laugh not cry, so telling my story isn’t exactly something I like to do. It is embarrassing and frankly, who wants to be that vulnerable with anyone?

After asking God to help me understand why I have had to live through depression, suicide attempts, sexual abuse, physical abuse and emotional abuse God used my pastor this morning to suddenly shine a bit of light on this puzzle. This is what my pastor described.

Imagine there is a Father who loved his child more than life itself; he would do anything to protect that child. One day there was a huge storm, a frightening experience where the Father had to pick up his child and carry him through the most frightening moment of his life. The Father never felt closer or more attached then in this moment, as he held his son to his chest willing to sacrifice his life for his child while braving the elements. By the time he reached safety his son was rather soaked and terrified but he had made it through. The Father was so relieved that his child made it through, he had never felt closer to his son then when their two hearts were beating in fear as one, as they made it through the storm. This moment bonded them together as nothing else possibly could.

But…

Imagine that child, though his father carried him through the storm, protected him from the worst, went to a psychologist saying that he was damaged from that storm. That storm ruined his life; he can never trust his Father again for taking him to that place where he could be put in harm’s way. The rain, lightning and thunder still cause fear to flash through his heart. He hates speaking to over even being around anything that would remind him of his Father because of that day.

They are two very different emotions and thoughts about the same event. The Father was bonded in love in protection, keeping his child from the worst while the child could only think of the fear that he experienced. In turn he refused his Father’s love; he refused to be close to him in the same way his Father wanted to be close.

As my Pastor described this scene in Church I could not help the tear

s well up in my eyes. There have been so situations that I have practically cursed God for making me go through them. Where I have told God that those moments ruined me, they broke me. I would never be the same… and yet. I lived through those experiences. God brought me through them. Looking back those were the moments that truly brought me closest to my heavenly Father, the moments where I had to rely on Him the most, where after the longest time of not hearing his voice, I heard his voice more clearly than ever before.

My heart truly broke. Often times my own stupidity has brought me into some of the tough parts of my life, sometimes it was through the evil of others that has caused me to suffer. Each time my God has been there with me, and will always be there with me. No that doesn’t excuse the abuse I have had to live through, and no it doesn’t make it all better instantly. But God treasure those moments because they are the moments where I truly turn to Him. Those are the moments where we are talking constantly and He really is my best friend.

God loves me and God loves you. More than anything He has created. When our lives turn horrible and we see no light at the end of the tunnel; when our hearts are breaking because of the evil this world has dumped on us; when we lose those who are closest to us, maybe instead of cursing God and screaming at him to make it better maybe instead of turning our backs on Him. Maybe just maybe we should turn to God and bond with Him, pour our hearts to Him. Life may not instantly get better, but at that point we have the God who created the Universe willing to be the one to carry us through it. We may get to other side a little wet. But at least we will be alive.

God’s favorite moments are the moments when we are actually communicating with Him. Keep up the talking and the listening. When God is trying to change our hearts and help us to understand it is never easy. He is teaching us a whole new language. The language of love. It is hard to learn but once we do, I think it will become our favorite language. 

"Fish are Friend not Food" Thoughts on the modern day American Church

Hey everyone, been a while since I posted on here. My Facebook fast was wonderful I am back on now so if anyone wants to say hi please do. 

I have had some thoughts rolling around in my little heart lately about bitterness I have towards modern day American Churches. I have only had experience with American Churches, just to clarify so my little rant (?) today is focused on that. I don't make it a secret that the past oh five or more years I have hated going to Church, being at Church, talking to people from Church, having anything to do with Church, having grown up in the Church that is not easy to admit. I am one of those kids that the first Sunday after I was born I was in Church. 

Why are you so bitter you ask? Well it all started with the way my mentally handicapped older sister has been treated by many Churches, she has been kicked out and treated sub human for being a poor kid whose body grew up but her mind didn't. Then I watched as people fought with each other and Churches split over the type of music that should be played; Church members spreading rumors about the other members who sit behind them. This bitterness grew like a cancer all through High school as I watched my friends go through tough times and instead of being offered help, were kicked out. I went through some really tough times, my rebellious period, to be fair I was not doing anything that God approved of during that time. But the Church instead of being somewhere I could go for help, turned into something that spread rumors about things I didn't even do. 

I came to a Christian college hoping that maybe this magical thing would happen where they would say some magic words and all my hurt, anger and bitterness would just go away. I tried to pretend that it did, I have always been good at pretending life was ok. It didn't work though, hiding it made it worse. Over the past year I have yelled at God countless times about how much I hate "The Church", how much I can't stand the hypocrisy and the lies, the people who are fake; how I can't stand Pastors who say one thing and yet treat people the way they do. I can give you a list of everything but that would take the entire blog. I admit I have cursed out the Church to God so many times. I would yell and cry as my heart broke over and over again about the things "His Church" had done.

Finally God had enough. He can only take so many one sided conversations before He says how about you shut up, sit down and listen, won't that be a change of pace (God speaks sarcasm to me). In my listening to God, He asked me a few important questions, here is our conversation. 

 Natasha, what do you think the Church is? 

My Sunday school answer: (please read in a bored/annoyed tone of voice) Well Jesus the Church is the body of believers it's not a building it is whole bunch of Christians getting together to worship you.

Gods answer: Natasha you are lying

Me: (totally offended) Excuse me? No I am not; I gave you the right answer. 

God: You gave me the right answer but you did not give me your answer. 

Me: (stops and thinks, this stopping and thinking took a couple of weeks, I am slow sometimes) 

That was when I realized something about my view of "The Church". When I talked about Church I referred to what I can only describe as a type of ethereal floating being that hovered over Church building and caused   everything bad to happen; kind of like blaming the government for everything. Everything bad that happened I just lumped into what I considered the Church to be until everything I thought about the Church was just nasty.  

Then God reminded me of Matthew 7:1-5 (CEV)

 1Don't condemn others, and God won't condemn you. 2 God will be as hard on you as you are on others! He will treat you exactly as you treat them.

3You can see the speck in your friend's eye, but you don't notice the log in your own eye. 4How can you say, “My friend, let me take the speck out of your eye,” when you don't see the log in your own eye? 5You're nothing but show-offs! First, take the log out of your own eye; then you can see how to take the speck out of your friend's eye.

I said screw the Church and God reminded me not so gently that he never said that to me. I straight up yelled at God and said look what those people have done to me; I am sick and tired of dealing with them. Gods response was look what you have done; look at what you have said. I am not giving up on you; I am not giving up on them. I love them as much as I love you. 

I did not want to hear that. God reminded me that every person in Church was human too. They all had hurts the same as I did. I had hypocrisy and terrible things in my life just like they did. But giving up on people is not what I am called to do as a Christian, by giving up and turning my back on the Church I am turning my back on my Christian family, the body of Christ (1 Corinthians  12:27). I am doing exactly what happened to me and my family. Ouch. I did not want to come to that realization. I still can't say I have forgiven what has happened in the past but here is where the Finding Nemo quote in the title comes in. 

My favorite movie is the Disney Pixar movie Finding Nemo, in that movie (if you haven't seen it go watch it like now) Marlin and Dory meet up with a group of sharks. They think they are going to be eaten when they discover that these sharks are part of a support group of sharks who don't eat fish, they even have a pledge. "I am a nice shark. Not a mindless eatin' machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. Fish are friends. Not food." 

How does this apply to anything I have just said? Well if I want to change the image of the Church, if I want to change how Christians are viewed, I have to first change myself. People are friends not food, or to put it another way, all people are messed up but as a Christian I am called to love and to help them; not devour them with hatred and bitterness. Yes people are still going to be hypocritical, yes there are still going to be things that happen in the Church that will make me mad. But guess what we are all hopeless sinners just trying to make it with Jesus’ help. So instead of me being the one that talks bad all the time, from now on I am going to try and be the one who encourages. I am going to try and be the one who helps and loves. Who knows maybe a few others will start doing the same thing.

The sharks in Finding Nemo haven’t had much luck in changing the shark image but who knows maybe God and I will have some luck in changing even a small portion of the image of what a Christian is, even if that only means we are changing me and how I am seen.

I'm back!

Hey everyone! I know I have taken a pretty long break from writing, I had spring break and was super exhausted the first few days back that I pretty much did nothing. Spring break was awesome, I had a lot of fun and got to sleep in, we played real life fruit ninja. Which literally was throwing fruit in the air and slicing it with ninja swords, totally epic. I bought a pretty dress and shoes and played video games. It was awesome. I slightly missed writing but it was nice to take a break from anything that took actual thought.

Throughout this whole Facebook fast God has taken me through practically a spiritual cleanse. I have had to really look at what I believe about God and myself. He has also really made me question how much I actually trust God. I have had to admit quite a few different times that when it comes to trusting God there are times that I just don't. Which is stupid. Over the past couple of weeks I have really struggled with trusting God and his plan for my life. I have had a lot of terrible nightmares, which has made sleep almost nonexistent. But last night God reminded me of a couple promises the first being Psalm 4:8 "In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
    for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." The second being Psalm 91:4-5 "
He will cover you with his pinions,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day." I prayed those verses last night before I fell asleep and slept better then I have in a long time. I had to remember that God is faithful, he will protect me even in the night when I am terrified and nightmares flood my mind with horrific images. 

Another area in which I have had to trust God in is my future. I know that there are certain things that I have been called to do. Graduating and leaving Liberty saddens me, I don't want to leave everyone I know but I have to stick to the path that I believe God has laid out for me. Which is going back west. It is so hard to sick with that, you would think that following God when you kind of know what He wants would make it easier but it isn't. I want to make my own plans and do my own thing still. I often doubt that this is what God really wants for my life and maybe if I make this plan or that plan, it would be better. Whenever I have those thoughts I have to mentally slap myself. I mean seriously, I believe that God knows everything and that he knows my future and what is coming up, and I think my silly little plans are going to do anything? Like really? Silly Tasha. I know that by following God and trusting that He really does know best for me, my life will be so much better. It will still be hard but I would rather be in Gods will then out of it because life sucks so much worse when I am not listening to God then when I am.

18 days left!

Wow I only have 18 days of my fast left! I can do this! I am in an incredibly good mood today. I am almost completely done with all the work I have to do before break. I just have one chapter summary and then I am done! I am so excited :). Over this past week I have fluctuated between being stress ed out, slightly depressed thinking about all I had to do and being extremely excited about break. My mind needs the break that is coming. I have stretched it to the utter limit this week. I know for a fact that if I didn't have God helping me through I probably would have had a mental breakdown. I was on the verge a couple of times. I will have to write a better blog this weekend when I have a little more time on my hands. Tonight I just want to say thank you to everyone who has read my blog and supported me throughout this journey. I know I will need prayer during spring break, the temptation to post pictures on Facebook will be strong. I can already feel the tug. But anyway, I am going to work on that last assignment and then go to bed. I am utterly exhausted. 

No I did not go on Facebook today!!!

Tod ay has been one of the most stressful days of the semester. I have had so much to do, along with CSER and classes. When I am severely stressed I tend to have memory losses. It got to the point today that I was struggling with trying to remember where I was, as in what state I was in. It was scary, I had to call my best friend to reorient myself to my surroundings. But I am making it through. Slowly but surely, and once this week is over I will be so much better. I can't really form complete thoughts tonight, I am happy because on Friday I will be on my way to Florida but my heart is heavy. I am trying to work through some things in my life that aren't going away easily. More like working through feelings. But ultimately I have to trust God. Even if my heart is little heavy. 

And to address another issue, no I did not get on Facebook, temptation came over my best friend and she could not resist pretending to be me. It is our favorite prank. I am still 21 days without logging into Facebook and I will continue through till I reach 40 days, I am not going through this whole thing without reaching my goal. I am too stubborn, plus I sorta made a contract with God and you don't break those ;). Well I am going back to homework. Have a goodnight!

Whoa, we're halfway there! Whoa-o livin' on a prayer!

Half through this Facebook fast, each day I have been learning something, even if that lesson is to just keep on going, even if I am tired and don't want to read my Bible, or stay up to write my blog. God has been chipping away at the hard layers of my heart these past twenty days. I can't even describe in words what God has been doing. One of the hard parts of my heart that God has been taking  a sledgehammer too is the part of my heart that says trust and the other part that says love. The part that I am going to talk about first is the trust box that God has been breaking into. I have locked inside my heart the ability to complete trust people. I have used the excuse in my life that I cannot trust because of things that have happened to me in my life. You know what, everyone has had things in their life that causes them to not want to trust. Yes, you shouldn't share every part of your heart with every person you meet, but in order to be real with people you do have to be honest about who you are, I have to be honest about who I am. Which is why this blog has been so hard. I have had to open my heart up and share with people that I may not even know. The other part of my trust box that God has been trying to get me to understand for years and that is God knows everything about me, every bad thing that I have done. Every hurt that I hold  in my heart, ever fear that I hold in my heart. God knows it and He tells me everyday to trust him, He knows my past and my future, He has a plan for my life. I just have to follow him. I have to trust Him. 

The second box in my heart that God has been breaking into has been the love box in my heart. That I have also locked up tight as can be. Not letting anyone in unless they met certain qualifications or they were kids. I can't help but let kids in, I just love kids so much. But people my age and older, I slam the box shut and say nope, maybe after a year or so I will crack the lid and let you in. That isn't right either. Jesus didn't say you gotta prove yourself before I show my love for you. Instead he just loved us. I am not saying be stupid and let yourself walk into bad situations but I am preaching to myself right here, love people. Don't wait till it's too late to show them love. This is so hard for me too do. Especially face to face because believe it or not I can be very shy. I get scared of people. I want them to like me. Thoughts that every one has, fears that everyone has. I am not exactly sure where I am supposed to go with this blog tonight. My heart is currently an emotional wreck due to stress and worry. But I know that God has my back. The situations that I am struggling with HE will bring me through. I am just going to finish this blog with the first verse and chorus of my favorite hymn. "When peace like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrow like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul. It is well... With my soul... It is well, it is well with my soul"

Goodnight everyone, God bless. 

The Blog Continues

I am almost half way through my Facebook fast, wow. The time has seriously flown by, I thought it was going to drag on but it hasn't. I am still shocked and continue to be shocked about that fact. Today was a good Sunday. Funny story. My roommate and I actually guilt tripled each other into Church. I was tired and very tempted to skip Church last night so she says to me that I went to Church she would go, I then felt bad so I woke up this morning and got ready. I went to wake her up and she groaned, was about to roll over, then realized that I only got up cause she said she would go. So we both went to Church. I was so glad we did because it was one of the best sermons my pastor has preached. He was talking about unity in the Church and something he said really stuck out to me. Why would anyone want to follow a God who is supposed to be able to have control of their lives and forgive their sins when that Gods followers cannot even tolerate and forgive and even be nice to each other. Ouch. Double, triple, ouch. If we Chtistians can't even show God's love to each other how on earth can we even pretend to show God's love to other people? In John 17:20-23, when Jesus was in the garden before his death he prayed for us. Us being future Christians. He prayed that we would have unity, that we would be able to endure one another, pray for one another, live life together. As Christians we are supposed to be showing Gods love through how we act towards one another, if we fail there, we fail on all accounts. This is something that I know I need to work on. God loves everyone not just me, and he loves us all the same. If I truly want to be an example of Christ's love to the world, I have to start first with those closest to me.

Did I actually have a Saturday?

The title of my blog is a hint to what my day was like. But first, up on my friend soap box, I cannot help but say that I think I have the best friends friends in the world. I really needed to do laundry so an off campus friend of mine generously lent me her washer and dryer so that I would be able to proceed forth into the world completely clothed (your welcome world, I know you appreciate that, you should thank my friend also). But not only that, she also lent me one of her laptops because mine decided to be mean and not work for me. I will keep her name private but if she reads this she will know I am talking about her.
For the rest of my day, I spent it doing homework. Business 201 is an evil class, horribly evil. I wish I could make it suffer as much as it makes me suffer. I also spent the other half of the day reading research articles for a paper due on Monday. Tomorrow will be spent likewise. During this scholastically ( I really don't even know if thats a word) spent day, we watched a crime tv show called The Glades, which to say the least was interesting. I love crime tv shows so it was nice background noise to tune into every once in a while. When I finally got back to my room I encountered my roommate having a cleaning spree, which I do have to say our bathroom looks lovely. Not to mention the rest of the room (hint to my personality, Natasha=messy). I sometimes think my life is sad because I don't do anything on a Saturday that an average college student would do, but then I think to myself, Natasha, you don't have to worry about hangovers and hearing about stupid things you did. Nothing mortifies me more then being reminded of stupid things I have done.
But I should probably stop rambling and go on to say what I am here to say tonight, before I fall asleep on my Bible still wearing a t shirt and jeans. And I am still rambling... *forces self to concentrate* I have been reading through a few chapters in Matthew the past couple of days and one of the main themes that keeps standing out to me in the sections I have been reading; have been about the end times. When Jesus comes back. I read Matthew 25:1-13 today. I only want to say a few things the first being this, if any of you who read this blog don't know my Jesus, I hope that one day you will know Him. In the passage I mentioned, Jesus tells about a group of women who are going to a wedding feast, they are all waiting around to be picked up and its taking forever so they end falling asleep. Well they have these oil lamps that burning the entire time they are sleeping. They wake up and there lamps are burnt out. So half the group had to run off and buy more oil while the smart half brought refills. Well, their ride comes and the girls with the refill oil were ready to go but the other girls get left behind. I don't want any of you to be "left behind". God cares about you so much, he sent his son so that you could have a relationship with Him. Don't wait, and waste your life thinking that you don't have to worry about the "end times" just yet. No one knows when the last day is. Take a moment and think about your life, if you already know my Jesus the way I do then do what I have been doing over the past couple of weeks, think about what areas in your life you spend your time running off too instead of being there for God when he needs you. For me, one of those things tends to be guys, I am often maybe not physically chasing after them but I give my heart up easily and plan my life around them, when God comes knocking I don't want to listen. Another one is my own plans, I make lots of plans of what I want my future to look like. I have to remember that following Gods plans will ways better then my own. I will be praying for you, even if I don't know who you are, God does and he will know what you need. So goodnight! This college student is going to get some sleep. :)

17 Days Later

This Facebook fast is going a lot faster then I anticipated. I have had a couple of rough days, today being one of them but over all I think this experience has been more of a blessing then anything. I have been incredibly stressful all day, I was looking at the amount of homework that I have to get done between now and next Friday and I almost hyperventilated. I felt completely overwhelmed, to the point that I was about to cry. After a couple hours of fruatration I finally thought to myself, Tasha, you need to pray. So I did, I spent quite a while praying then I started watxhing the Wizard of Oz and between the two felt so much better. I know I will get everything done but panicking won't help me any. I have to remember to give all my anxiety on God. When I do that I feel better. I also finished one of my online classes and am working to finish the other two. By Gods grace I will get everything done. :)

Day # 16

I had a wonderful yet stressful day. I have to admit that I did not read my normal devotional this morning but I have been meditating in a sense on what our identity in Christ is. I don't have a lot of words just yet but I am going to try to write a more detailed blog tomorrow. I was slightly discouraged today when was doing my school work. I did badly on a test that I wanted to do well on. But God is still good and I will do better on the next one. My friends have been such an encouragement to me today. The stress was getting to me and I was sorely tempted to try and sign on too Facebook but I didn't. I had to pray really hard to stay strong. Then I remembered that my best friend had changed my password, which I am very glad she did. I continue to go back and forth about missing Facebook and being relieved that I don't have to worry about looking at it and I really do get more homework done and faster at that. Stay tuned in for my blogs this weekend, I am hoping to be able to write out what I have been processing in my mind over the next couple of days.

15 whole days!

Oh my gosh... Life has been hectic this week! So much has been due. I love college but it is during these times I often feel like I am drowning under the weight of papers and assignments. Thank goodness spring break is coming and I will be able to leave the area for a week and take a mental break from life. In my Bible reading today though I was encouraged, I read Matthew24:35
The sky and the earth won't last forever, but my words will.
This world and all its troubles, frustration and worry is not going to go on for forever. Even though some days it feels like it. What will last forever though is God and his word. Gid will outlast my papers, my homework assignments, my health issues, my exhaustion. God is good. I am so thankful that he will be what I see at the end of everything. I won't have papers haunting me till the day I die, instead when I do I will be welcomed in by a God who loves me.

Two Weeks!

I have gone two weeks without Facebook! This has been an interesting journey so far, I have enjoyed finding other uses for my time, I find myself using my time a little more wisely and also spending more time with the people I would talk to on Facebook instead of just talking to them. I have honestly been enjoying this time very much. I am definitely considering continuing to keep my Facebook consumption limited, even when I am able to get back on again. I am about a quarter of the way of the way through my 40 day fast. I never thought it would be as interesting as it has been. Not only am I getting to know myself, but I am growing spiritually and mentally, also I am growing in the knowledge of who my Jesus really is.
I read mark 12:41-44 today, such a small passage but very powerful. Jesus was watching many rich people give large gifts for everyone to see, then he saw a poor widow give a small amount. Jesus knew the hearts of all the people and he knew that the widow was the one who gave the most, for instead of giving what she had left over she gave everything that she had. Jesus is not impressed by the left overs that someone gives him, he wants everything. If you give him what is left over of your time are you truly giving him anything of yourself?
That is currently what I am pondering, what in my life am I just giving God the left overs? Am I giving God everything that I am, all of my heart? I think that if I were one of the people that Jesus saw walking by I would not have the heart of the Widow, instead I would be one of the rich people putting on a show. I don't like that about myself. I want to have the heart of the Widow, giving all I can for God.

13 days and Going Strong

Monday's, they are often quite terrible, getting back into the swing if things after the weekend is never easy. Today went rather well though, convocation was wonderful. Very funny and inspirational, I will have to post it eventually. The stress of the semester decided to accumulate in the form of a migraine. I get them often, they are definitely not fun, but this one only lasted a few hours and a good friend of mine took good care of me by taking me to get dinner and giving me pain medication to help with the pain. I have so much homework to do, not having Facebook is actually a huge relief. I don't have to worry about checking statuses or anything. But there is light at the end of the tunnel (starts humming the Third Day song) my three online classes will be over in two weeks. After that I will only have three residential classes (yes!!!). I had many thoughts on the passage I read today but as soon as I stared at my laptop screen all my thoughts flitted away. I read Matthew 23:1-39. It is such a good passage and I do have a short story idea churning in my head. I do recommend reading it and maybe tomorrow I will have better thoughts that aren't exhausted from a migraine and studying all day. I shall go back to studying now. I am praying for anyone who may be reading my blog. May you all have a good night full of rest. 

Day 12, Confession

My day today was pretty interested, from the moment I woke up till now, as I am writing this blog. I have to confess that I did not want to go to Church this morning. I flat out decided right before I fell asleep last night that I was going to sleep in and not even bother, I just did not feel like going. Well at 8:36 am EST time. We usually leave for Church at around 10 am. I was not happy when I woke up, not because I always wake up grumpy but I wasn't happy because I literally woke up with energy and was wide awake ready to go... for someone who planned on sleeping in that isn't what you want to feel like. So I started trying to come up with excuses for not going and I could not come up with a single one. Still slightly saddened about missing out on all the sleep I could have gotten. But I do have too say that I am glad I went, my pastor didn't preach which was sad, because I love his preaching but the worship music this morning was wonderful. The choir and the praise team both led and the unity of the two leading worship was amazing. After the Sermon we got to spend time just talking with everyone at Church at a potluck lunch... so much good food. 

Now for the serious part of the "confession" and this is sort of too replace what I normally do with my devotions. The confession is that growing up I witnessed a lot of stupid and hurtful things throughout different Churches, these things were done to my family, sometimes to my friends families and other times it was Church politics getting in the way of reaching out to each other and the community. Because of these things an angry bitterness welled up in my heart against the "Church" it was ugly, it was angry, it pouted and threw temper tantrums. It got to the point towards the end of high school that I didn't even want to step food inside of a Church building I was sick of it all, and I grew up in Church, most of my memories as a Child tend to revolve around the Church in some mater. But I was so angry at situations that had happened that I decided I no longer wanted to be a part of a traditional American Church setting. 

Then I came to a Christian college, I was able to stay away the  traditional Church setting until my Sophomore year when my roommate and her boyfriend convinced me start going to Church with them. That was hard, I tried to play the normal Christian girl routine but I couldn't keep it up, I still had a lot of bitterness and anger in my heart. But as I kept going I started noticing that the people in this Church were different, yes there was still politics, everyone is human but I started healing from the hurt that I experienced by being loved on by people who truly lived what they believed about Jesus. I know this sounds strange coming form someone who grew up surrounded by everything that has to do with Church. But I seriously hated the idea of a Church building and having to go every Sunday. But God seriously started breaking the through the anger in my heart this Christmas. The bitterness I was holding wasn't helping me in fact it was hurting me a lot more then I cared to admit. I had to forgive. I didn't want to but I had too. 

The moment that completely broke through the bitterness of my heart was one Sunday a lady at our Church who has some mental disabilities was brought up to the front of the congregation and everyone sang her Happy Birthday, I broke down crying. You see, what made me so angry at the Church was my sister, who has a mental disability who almost died at birth, wasn't expected to live to birth but surpassed everything the Doctors ever said was told that she no longer allowed to go to a certain program which though she was much older physically then the children mentally she was the same age as them. This broke her heart completely, my poor innocent mentally handicapped sister who loved church and would ask everyday if she could go back, came home and said she would never go to Church again. I still fight the bitterness and hatred in my heart against those who broke her heart. But God showed me that in having an attitude like that I was in the wrong. Yes, every Church has problems and makes mistakes but turning my back on them does not help. 

I will have to talk more about the steps I had to take to start forgiving people, but I do have good news about my sister, she has started going back to Church, we no longer are at the one we were at, which I think helped her, but she goes a lot more and I think she will continue to go a lot more. I also have been able to walk into Church without feeling sick, and even though mornings like this morning come and go, I am usually glad that I ended up spending time with a group of people who love God as much as I do and they love each other, where I can lift my hands in the air and praise Jesus. That is what makes Church worth it.  

11 Days down, 29 to Go

Tonight I have to say that I am pretty wordless. This doesn't happen very often. Usually I can talk about pretty much anything off the top of my head. So until I can formulate thoughts I shall just ramble about my day. I slept in which was wonderful then joined a good friend studying at Barnes and Noble, which was a lot of fun and I actually got a lot of reading done. We went out to dinner and then a group of us girls went to the dollar theater to see the last Twilight movie... not a big of fan of the movies, but I do find them funny. I think they are poor representation of what love and sacrifice truly is. 

Well now... I think I just found my words...  Today part of my Bible reading was Matthew 22:34-46. Jesus is asked what the greatest commandment in the law is, Jesus said there were two, the first was loving God with everything that you have and the second was loving your neighbor as yourself. I think what I am going to focus on is the second one, loving your neighbor as yourself. I have one question to ask, not just too you but also myself and that is how much do you love yourself? Funny question yes but do you consider yourself a person worth loving? Do you consider yourself a good person? Do you consider yourself someone who needs forgiveness and love from other people? If you say no, why not? I have written before about God's deep love for us, once we recognize that, our own worth then the next step is to recognize the worth of others. 

Every person has been created in the image of God, no matter where they are from, the color of their skin, their religious beliefs, their sexual orientation or their yearly income. Love is choice, we choose to love our friends and family, our neighbors, our dog, but why do we not love other people the same way? I am not saying too overlook what is clearly wrong but why is it that just because something irritates us about someone, or makes us uncomfortable, we do not think they are deserving of Gods love, we are all deserving of Gods love. This is hard for me, when someone makes me angry or frustrates me, I do not want to show Gods love, I don't even want to be nice to them. There have been many situations where I remember saying how could God love that person they did this or they did that, but God does not have a scale where certain bad things weigh more then certain others, they all weigh the same. 

Gotta love when you get metaphorically hit over the head with something, I know there are people in my life that I avoid because of some little thing about them, a personality quirk. But God loves them just as much as he loves me. One of the first things I think that I will have to start doing to humble myself, is to start praying for the people that irritate me. I know that sounds weird but it is hard to be angry at someone you are praying for and who knows maybe if I pray for them either my attitude will change or maybe they will change, God does perform miracles. Being without Facebook makes me analyze myself a lot more then I usually would. As I have said before this can be a good and very frustrating thing. 

Day 10, The Hardest Part.

I think the hardest part of my Facebook fast is not the fact that I am fasting, it is this blog. I thought that the two would be swapped, that day after day I would have intense desires to log in, which I have had the desire to do that, but instead it is the daily writing that tends to be tedious. Sometimes I don't want to write, sometimes I can't wait to sit down and share my thoughts.
The other part about this blog that is harder then I expected is how personal that it has become. In ten short days I feel as if I have shared more of my heart on the internet then I have with people in a while. My love for God, my love for the Bible and my shortcomings. Posting about those, is not easy. No one wants someone to know that they have faults but just like every human on the face of the planet I have faults. I don't have a lot to say tonight, I am rather tired but what I do want to say is this. If you read my blog and take anything out of it understand this; I am not a perfect person I am a normal girl who noticed shortcomings in her life and realized her need for God was much greater then she orginally thought it was and in her effort to seek God, rid herself of a distraction. I have loved this journey and I feel closer to God then I have in a long time. I also knkw that as I read through the Gospels I am starting to understand more about the character and personality of my Jesus. I hope I never stop learning and trying to understand my God and the plan he has for me.
Though this road can be difficult, I am so thankful that I have a God who will give me peace when I am anxious, a calm heart when I am sad, company when I am lonely and is friend who knows everything about me. My God is so good.

Day 9. A little bit different

Well friends (I shall just assume if you are reading this you are friend, it makes life a lot more fun) today I wanted to do something a little different. The last few blogs I have written have just kind of been talking about my Bible study time, but I like to write tiny stories (smaller then a short story) and I have had one stuck in my head since this morning. Read John 22:30-46, this is when Jesus prays right before he is arrested and taken before Pilate to eventually be crucified. I don't know the mind of Jesus and this is just my interpretation, a fiction interpretation of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane but I hope you enjoy, I am calling this

 "The Garden from His Eyes"

 "As I walk to the garden I look at my friends, they know something is going on yet they don't fully understand what. I want them to see but their hearts aren't ready to accept the truth. Though we have spent the last three years together, they don't understand that I have not come to kill what they see as evil and rescue what they deem good. I have come to show the world that I love them, that my Father loves them and wants them to be with him. The next few hours are so important, I know that my time has come, I will be killed very soon. My heart aches at the thought of what will be done to me. I love my Disciples, I love every person who comes to hear me speak. The pain that I will suffer through will be worth it but Father please! Is there any other way? Must I go through torture? Must I have them all turn away from me, do I have to live through you turning your back on me and denying me as your son even for a moment? Must I take on the world? Every evil thing that one of these creations that were made in our image has done, their guilt, their pain, every tear they have ever cried, every angry thought and word that has come out of their mouth; must I carry it?! God is there any other way?!

The pain and anguish is so much Father, I am shaking and my sweat tastes like blood in my mouth, Father I will do anything for these people, I love them so much, I just want them to understand our love for them. They are so precious to me. We did not create them to leave them in their misery, yet they do not see that what we have for them is more then there earthly riches. No gold can buy the peace I have to give them. I will do your will Father, thank you for sending the angels to give me strength this night. For I know what tomorrow brings. I will see those whom I have created turn their backs and tell me to die. Oh Father it breaks my heart. I must carry their pain, for I am their only hope. If they are too ever be with us forever one day I must die. I cannot wait for the day they find me alive again, for they day suddenly understand what I have done. Our spirit will no longer live in a temple but our spirit will be able to live in them. Daily, hourly, by the minute they will be able to speak to us. Dear Father these are the last few hours before you turn your back on me for carrying the punishment for our Children's acts of selfishness, and pride. I will see you again soon Father, as will those who see what I have done and understand that I have freed them from their guilt and shame. 

Give me strength to be tortured Father, to be beaten, to be spit on, give me the strength to bear thorns they will push into my head. The strength to survive the whips that will tear the meat from bones and the suffocation as I hang from that cross. They are worth it father, so worth it. No matter what they have done, as I hang on that cross I will take it, I will take everything and they won't have to carry the burden of their own pain anymore. This is what we have been waiting for Father, our relationship will soon be restored. I cannot wait for that day. "

  John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life". 

When Jesus walked away from prayer that night, he knew that horrors and pain would be all that was going to await him till he died. But he also knew that he would come back, it was the coming back that proves he is God, it is the fear, the anguish, the pain, the exhaustion that proves he was human for the short time he walked this earth. Jesus walked away from being worshiped constantly to walk on a nasty dirty earth, to feel pain, hunger, loss, heart break. He wanted to show us that he knows how we feel, he knows our pain. He literally died to take our pain away. While writing this I have been trying not to cry, Jesus has taken so much of my own pain away. I tell the straight truth right now that if it were not for Jesus I would not be alive today. I used to struggle with severe depression, I thought I was useless and a worthless human being, but one day when I was low and about to commit suicide, I heard a voice, no one was in my house; but I heard a voice clear as day tell me to stop, that there is more in this life for me and that I needed to tell more people that there is more in this life for them too. Give your hurt to Jesus, he can handle it, he wants to handle it. Let him take your anger, let him take your pain and give you hope. Hope is so much better then pain. I still have moments of depression and sadness, but no matter how many times I lose track of God, God never loses track of me, he is ALWAYS willing to take me in his arms and whisper to me that he loves me, that he forgives me. I know he is willing to do the same for you. No one loves you more then the God who left everything to die, so that you could spend your life with him.

Day 8, A Little Tougher

Well the first week of my Facebook fast went very well. Today though was a little harder then I had expected. I wanted to get on Facebook more today then any of the other days combined. I wanted to check up on the world... but... I couldn't. Which actually made me sad a few times throughout the day.  I am still glad that I decided to go on this fast, it is going to get harder from here on out though. Overall I had a great day, because it was Wednesday I went to my Churches evening Bible study, which is always one of the highlights of my week. Wednesday's in general are a highlight because that means the week is half over! Friday is coming! Woohoo!!!!!! Keep it up we can all make it too the weekend :). 

This morning I read Matthew 21:12-17, in this portion of scripture Jesus drove the men who buying, selling and cheating people out of their money in the Temple. What was supposed to be a place of worship they had turned into a business. Jesus cleared them out and when he did, people who were truly hurting came to him to be healed. They finally had the opportunity to meet with God. While he was there the children started dancing around and cheering him on in excitement. I love the way Jesus treated children, he loved them and always welcomed them when they came to him which was not usual in that day and age. 

Jesus loved people of all ages and no matter what social status they were. The religious leaders again were angry at Jesus about what he did. Everything he did made them angry. This time they were mad that Jesus was allowing the Children to praise him as the son of David. Jesus then quotes to them out of Psalm, but he doesn't just quote them he starts out by saying haven't you read this section of scripture? Jesus was so cool. He knew how to get too religious leaders, they were so proud of their knowledge yet they were missing everything that was in front of their face. Again Jesus point out that he is the person that had been prophesied to come save the world since the beginning of time. Yet the religious leaders still did not believe the truth. Then Jesus just walked away. I love how Jesus always spoke his mind, he was never afraid because he had the truth on his side. I hope that I can be like Jesus one day in not only caring for those who are hurting around me but being able to speak the truth, even if it makes me unpopular.  

7 days clean

One whole week Facebook free!!!! I said that today and then immediately felt like a chain smoker who just gave up smoking. So I will probably keep up the Facebook free jokes becuase I personally find it rather funny. This first week though has definitely been easier then I expected. I still have contact with people and since my best friend changed my Facebook password I can't log in without thinking, thank goodness because I would have probably done that a few different times. I also have to say I really love and appreciate my friends. They are holding me accountable to staying off facebook and when they see funny pictures or videos on facebook they will send them too me. Especially grumpy cat pictures, they are my favorite. Grumpy cat is my patronus (Harry Potter reference, I am a Harry Potter fan). I also appreciate that my friends will stand up for my Facebook fast around other people. I know a great group of people at Liberty.
Haha but enough gushing over my friends, no need to give them over inflated egos. I shall switch topics really quick to my Bible study portion, I have a lot of homework so I can't spend a lot of time writing tonight. I read Mark 12:1-12, Jesus is talking to the same men I mentioned in my previous blog. He tells another story. Now Jesus was pretty hilarious when you think about it he would tell a story about all these character and he would be specifically referring to these religious men and they knew it. He would finish the story and the lesson that went with it and all those high and mighty men could do was walk off. Even though they would be so angry at Jeus they wanted to kill him, all they could do was walk away. Of course later on they are able to get him killed but the story doesn't end there. Those men knew Jesus was different but they were so angry at what his differences were, that even though they would admit he did great things they were so bitter and stuck in their own importance and way of doings things they couldn't see that God was right in front of them.
That is such a terrifying thought, that God could walk up to the men who studied the prophecies of his coming from the time they were children and these men would not admit who he was because he didn't come the way they wanted him too. They wanted a military man would ride in and slaughter the Roman army and free every one. But instead Jesus came with a message of forgiveness, of hope, of equality, of life that means more then the day to day living we have now. I don't want to be like the religious men, I don't want to miss Jesus just because the situation I was looking for him to be at didn't look like I wanted it too. This has definitely been my prayer today, that I don't miss Jesus. That I don't miss what he is telling me to do just becuae it isn't what I expect, or maybe even want. I hope that is your prayer as well.

Day 6: Monday...

Well I have made it 6 whole days without Facebook! Yes! Although I accidentally posted a picture earlier using Instagram... oops. I didn't actually get on Facebook though. All in all, I have gotten a lot more homework done over the past few days and have felt more rested and less stressed. It is a good feeling. I actually have a few moments to rest before bed, my homework for the past week and tomorrow is done. I could actually go to bed semi early (for a college student anyway) for once! I almost don't know what to do with myself, of course tomorrow starts the workload again but hey it is worth it. Now onto the next part.

I only have a few thoughts for today, in my devotions I read Matthew 21:23-32. Jesus has just cursed the fig tree ( I am still slightly confused why he did that, I will look into it and when I find out more I will let you know) and had walked into the temple. Now the Chief Priests and elders as soon as they saw him coming were all up on him. These guy were part of the religious big dogs and they didn't like Jesus and what he taught. So they were always trying to find new ways too trip Jesus up and make him sound bad. They kind of fought like girls. They wouldn't come out straight and tell Jesus they hated him, instead they were underhanded and tried to make him look bad and make themselves look smart... never happened. 

They asked Jesus who gave him the authority to do what he did. Jesus could have told them but he was wise in areas I am not. He instead he said, you tell me who gave John the Baptist authority I will tell you who gave me authority. The big religious men were stumped... they couldn't say John didn't have God's authority or they would look bad in the eyes of the people but they couldn't admit too it either cause they knew Jesus would come back and say he has the same authority so the best answer they could give was I don't know. Some of the most knowledgeable men of that day and all they could say was I don't know.
Jesus then told them a story and this where Jesus gets down and dirty with honesty. In the story he tells about a father who tells both of this sons to go work in the family vineyard. The oldest boy says no, then later regrets his decision and does what his father asked him to do. The youngest boy told his father yes but then turned around and completely ignored his promise and did nothing. Then Jesus asked them which obeyed? Obviously the older brother. Then Jesus straight up tells the most religious men, the men who lived "perfect" lives, never broke a law and prided themselves on that fact; Jesus tells them this in Matt 21:31-32" 31Which of the two did the will of his father?" They said, "The first." Jesus said to them, "Truly, I say to you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes go into the kingdom of God before you. 32For John came to you in the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes believed him. And even when you saw it, you did not afterward change your minds and believe him." Jesus tells the most "spiritual", the most "God fearing", the most "righteous", the "Men of God" that two hated people groups of that time, tax collectors and prostitutes would get into heaven before they would because they believed even though they lived lives that went against God, they turned away from those things, believed what John said and they were able to get into the Kingdom of God. But these intelligent men who devoted their entire lives to studying the word of God, would not because they had all the knowledge before them, spelled out, they heard what John said about Jesus coming, turned their backs and ignored it because Jesus was not what they wanted. 
Wow. It does not matter how "spiritual" you are, if you don't follow God and believe in Jesus, if you don't give your life to him, believe who he is, you won't get to heaven. God does not care about how  much knowledge you have, all the good things you have done, he doesn't care that every single thing you do is perfect. If you are too prideful to give him everything then you are out. Jesus didn't sugar coat his words, he was honest and outright, he wanted people to know how to get into the Kingdom of God. It isn't easy, it takes the hardest thing of all, surrender. But once you do, it is worth it. I am still surrendering. I know I am going to be with Jesus in the Kingdom of God one day, but I am not perfect by any means, God is still teaching me how to surrender and make me a better person. Like I said before becoming a Christian isn't a get out of jail free card, it is a ticket to get on a train that has a final destination, but a lot of different stops on the way. Sometimes you are riding in the dining car, sometimes you are the one shoveling the coal in. It is hard work but being able to pick up people on the way and join you in the journey is the best part, second only to the destination itself. And guess what we have the best engineer and conductor (Jesus and the Holy Spirit if there was any confusion) anyone could dream of. 

P.S. I guess I shouldn't have said I only had a few thoughts :P. Turned out to be a little longer then I expected.

Day 5, A Hard Question

Wow, I cannot believe that only five days have passed since I have been on Facebook. Definitely feels like I have been off for much longer then that. The desire to log in has been strong over the past couple of days. Just to chat with people or look up funny videos. I have also noticed that because I had Facebook on my phone that I developed the habit of whenever my mind wandered in the middle of homework I would check my phone. So over the past couple of days I have caught myself staring at my phone for no reason at all. 

I know I mentioned the other day that loneliness was a huge factor in my temptation to get online and log into Facebook. Every once in a while I will still get momentary feeling of being alone and my first thought is get on Facebook. I have decided that whenever I have this feeling I am going to pray for strength and calm in the moments I feel alone. I have only remembered a few times but those few times I have experienced a few moment of utter peace. It was beautiful. I really do think that God is trying to teach me that is ok to be alone. Which is hard because I am such a social person and I really enjoy being around people. But I don't have to be in constant communication with people. 

I think that I am going to start hitting the hard stretches of this fast over the next couple of weeks. giving up something you really like is never an easy thing to do. I know that it will be worth it though. I have spent a lot more time in prayer over the past five days and I have read God's word every single day. Which is really something that I struggle with on a regular basis. I will go weeks and months only reading my Bible sporadically, which if I want to grow in my spiritual life that is not good. I will also spends weeks and months reading non stop. Finding the balance of designating time to give just to God in my life has sadly been something that I have not done on a regular basis. This fast has made me ask myself a very hard question. Where are my priorities?

I always say that my first priority is God, then my family, then friends and school; but if I truly sit down and reflect on my life and where I spend the most time that list looks a little bit different. I spent most of my days studying, on some sort of social media/internet site and hanging out with friends. God is definitely in there.. but where? Where is God really in my life? I don't want to answer that question, especially not in a blog where everyone can see. I would rather put on a Christian mask and say all the right Christian things. Instead if I am being completely honest, and I like to be honest; I think my list of priorities would look more like this. 1-Me,straight up, I want to make sure that I don't do anything that is going to hurt me. 2-School and Friends, they are really about equal in my life. 3-Entertainment and Family, I love movies and music and anything fun and I love my family but I am so far away from them ( I am in Virginia they are on the West coast) there isn't much I can do other then call them. 4-God, reading his word, praying actually thinking about my relationship with God.

Ouch... I feel like the worst Christian ever... My thoughts and my actions aren't matching up. Wham, spiritual two by four to the side of the head. Now what? Well as I go through this journey of getting to know Jesus better, I am also getting to know myself better. Now that I have admitted that there is something in my life that I need to change, in order to change I need to actually take a few steps. I gotta bring God to the forefront, as I mentioned in my blog yesterday, if I am going to give my life to God, then I really have to mean it. This little fast is a small step in the right direction. then putting family a little higher on the list is another thing that I want to work on. Soul searching is not an easy thing to do. Neither is admitting that you are wrong in areas. I definitely have some things to work on. I am thankful God has patience to help and the power to give me strength to change what I see in myself.

 

Day 4: *Yawn*

Hello everyone, if you hadn't guessed it by reading the title of this blog; today I was utterly exhausted. Normally as typical college student I wake up late on Saturday morning because I always stay up late Friday night, I  go to lunch and pretty much do nothing all day. But this Saturday I found myself zombie walking into the shower at 7:40 this morning in order to get to campus to work on my Christian service hours (for those unfamiliar with Liberty University, all students sophomore class and up have to complete 20 community service hours a semester; these are called Christian Service hours or CSER) I am chat monitor for our online communities program. You can watch streaming videos (sermons from different semesters at Liberty) and talk to a live person while watching. So at 8:45 I numbly (partially because I am not a morning person and partially because it was really cold) walked into the building where I do my CSER hours and spent two hours watching sermons, there will be more about those later. On a side note, I have decided that if the zombie apocalypse were to somehow start at my school, I think it would start on our north campus building. There is an incredibly long and large hallway going down the whole building. At 8:45 in the morning it also happens to be one of the creepiest and silent hallways, with what seemed like human beings traversing the length. I was highly suspicious though because of their slow movements and glazed over expressions, I was afraid at any moment one of them would moan "brains" and I would be done with. But anyway, I digress as usual.

After that I was dragging all day, I ended up falling asleep in the afternoon while watching a movie with my roommate, I woke up mid dream panicking about  some strange creature attacking and ended up backhanding a can of soda off of my nightstand, across the room and onto the floor where the entire contents of the can spilled onto the carpet. I then decided it would be best to not nap any longer and worked on homework (so much homework) till I went to go to a friends house to watch Ben Hur (amazing movie). Well those plans ended up being side tracked just a bit when my friend who was giving me a ride offered to help a sweet freshman from another college go buy gas for his car because he ran out on the off ramp. My friends and I did get to watch Ben Hur, the chariot race always stresses me out, I found myself madly twirling my hair while the horses were racing, and practically fell asleep on the way home. All in all it was a great day, even though I felt like I had been in a mental fog all day... who knows maybe I did get infected by a zombie... hmmm... nahhhh overactive imagination is all that is. But if I suddenly have a craving for brains in the morning, I do apologize in advance to anyone I may munch on. 

Enough about my day and onto the "serious" part of the blog, ahem. So far I have been talking about my daily Bible readings, which today I read Mark 11:12-19, but I am actually going to talk about the sermons I watched during my Christian service hours. Here at Liberty we have something called Convocation three times a week for an hour at a time, we call it convo for short. But during that hour a speaker comes in and will give a message or inspirational speech. Today I watched two talks one by Michael Franzese and John MacArthur. The first a former mob guy and the second a man who preaches and wrote his own study Bible. Two very awesome speakers in my personal opinion. But a theme of both was giving your life to Christ and what that really means. For Mr. Franzese that meant turning his back on his family and lifestyle of crime and pleasure; with the consequence being possibly death. His story is crazy, I highly encourage anyone to look into it. Both men hit on a few points that really struck me hard. Being a follower of Christ is not just about praying a prayer, receiving a "get out of hell free card" and living your life going to Church on Sunday's and Bible study on Wednesday's. It is a lifestyle, as a Christian you are giving over control of your life to someone else. That someone else being Jesus Christ. Mr. MacArthur spoke about declaring Jesus Lord in your life, this doesn't mean saying oh yeah Jesus is cool, we talk on Sunday's he wants me to be a camp counselor this summer (not that being a camp counselor is bad, it is something I love to do). Declaring sometime to be "Lord" is putting that person in charge of you. I am going to ask you dear readers to think back in history (I know it is hard but try for a moment) anyone with the title "Lord" had rank and power, to what they willed with the people they ruled over. As a Christian I am supposed to give the control of my life to my Lord, Jesus. 

John MacArthur pointed out the we are not just to be servants of Jesus and declare him Lord, but if you translate from the Greek, we are to be slaves.I know what you are thinking and it is what I was thinking also ,"ouch, ick, what the heck, who wants to be a slave, there is no way I am doing that" Don't we want to end slavery in the world?? Of course we do. But keep going with me. The master to a slave has complete control over that person's life, where they go what they do. Isn't that what we are supposed to do by declaring Jesus Lord? Yeah... still got that heck no feeling? I understand completely. But here is the thing, something that I have not yet fully experienced but I know people who have. We know the thoughts of Jesus and what he wants from us, he wants us to give control of our lives over to him, by doing this we are no longer just slaves, we become heirs to a kingdom, heaven. We will share in Heaven, with the one who died for us and is our God. God has plans for our lives. We are each the main character in a story that is God is authoring. If we let the author write it out, we will have even story lines, they may not make sense at the time but you don't skip ahead chapters too see what happens in a book, you read every page as you come too it. Allow God to write your story. I have to tell this too myself every single day. I have to swallow my pride and let God do the writing, He is so much better at it then I am. I know for myself that I still struggle with the idea of giving God control of every part of my life. I have thoughts of what of God makes me move somewhere horrible... but there is another way of looking at it, what if God wants to use the passions he has given me in my life for his purpose. Just because I give God my life doesn't mean I stop going to school to be a therapist. It means listening to God when he tells me where to help people. I look back on the chapters of my life and some of them have been downright horrible, but they make the story what it is. Without those times, there would be no story. I am going to add a link to the video's I was referring too, please watch them. They will will blow your mind.

http://www.liberty.edu/index.cfm?PID=9002 the Videos are under streaming videos, type in the search bar "Michael Franzese, The Good, the bad the forgiven" and John MacArthur Christs Slaves. Trust me, they are amazing.

And on the 3rd day Temptation Struck

Today marks the end of my third day for my Facebook fast. I feel like I have been going at this for a week now... and for the first time in the three days I had the desire to log into Facebook. Why? I was bored. Being a Friday night I did not want to spend the evening reading my textbooks or working on homework (all if which I probably should have been doing) so I being the boring college student that I am; took a nap, played games on my phone and started watching a movie. While the movie was playing I had the strong desire to just talk to people so I picked up my phone and without a second thought unlocked the screen to check Facebook... thank goodness I had deleted the app on my phone.
Being a Psychology major and often having the desire to analyze my own motives for why I do what I do I decided to analyze why in that particular moment I had the strong desire to check Facebook. In complete and utter honesty the reason was momentary loneliness. I didn't want to sit by myself in my room on a Friday night just watching a movie, I wanted to talk to people and have the feeling of being loved on by friends, even if I wasn't actually physically around any of my friends. It was hard not logging in and get my craving for being social instantly filled. I had to tell myself it is ok to sit in an empty room with just me. When my roommate got off work and came back to the room we ended up getting people together and going out which was much more satisfying that chatting up faceless friends on the internet. But I did have to force myself to recognize the fact that I do not like being alone. Maybe this is another lesson that I am supposed to learn over the next 37 days, that it is ok to be alone, sometimes even necessary. I don't like the idea of having to learn that lesson, I love people and I love being around people. So, if you are praying for me during this little journey I have undertaken, here is another prayer request for you; pray that I can learn to live in the silence and not be afraid of being alone. Which is funny because as a Christian God is always with me, so I am never truly alone... remembering that though is I think one of the most difficult things to do.

Now onto the Bible part of my little post. I was reading in Mark today, I think I ended up reading the first five chapters of Mark but two stories in particular stood out to me. The first one was Mark 2: 23-28. Jesus and his disciples had been walking through a field on the Sabbath (the religious day in Jewish culture where you are to basically do no work) when they became hungry and started picking off heads of grain. The Pharisees instantly jumped on their case for breaking the Sabbath law (the Pharisees really creeped on Jesus, they watched everything that he did to try and find something to bring him down in the eyes of everyone) part of Jesus answer to them was, "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for Sabbath." The day of rest and focus on God was made for us, to give us a day in which we would not have to break our backs working, we could spend time with family, fellowship with others. I know I have read that verse before but it never struck me so significantly as it did earlier today. God made the Sabbath, the day of rest, not because God needed rest or that God needed us to worship him on that specific day but because he knew we would need a day of rest. A day in which we could mentally and physically recharge and refocus. God is so good.

The next part that struck me was in Mark 3:17. In this verse and the ones before and after, Mark is giving a description of the men Jesus walked up too and asked them to follow him. In 17 Jesus nicknames James and John "The Sons of Thunder". Ok, so why did this strike me as interesting? Well number 1, I love the fact that even Jesus nicknamed people. But the second thing was why would Jesus nickname these men? What did the nickname mean? In the commentary of my study Bible, the possibility that Jesus called them Sons of Thunder (which kinda sounds like a biker gang) for the personalities; their zeal and energy. I can just imagine them being strong, loud men. Which got me to thinking, if Jesus gave me a nickname what would it be? What type of characteristic stands out the most in me? I can tell you right now that one would be my outgoing and loud personality, but also the next thing my friends would probably tell you, would be my rather perverted sense of humor. I definitely wouldn't want Jesus to nickname me "daughter with the dirty mind". As I sit back and think about my character, I can't help but feel a lot like Jesus disciple Peter, always saying and doing the wrong thing, but every once in a while getting something right. Jesus accepts me for who I am, which is amazing and in the middle of my soul searching tonight as I ponder my own thoughts and actions I can see many ways in which I can grow as an adult and a Christian and should grow. But God can even use my mistakes. I hope that as I continue to get older that I will develop a character that will reflect not just who I am, but who Jesus is too. 

Day 2

Happy Valentines Day!!!! (Yeah I know a few hours late but it is the thought that counts right?) I have to say that not having Facebook to check on Valentines Day as single 23 year old was a blessing in disguise. I did not have to wade through the inevitable I love you's and new relationship statuses (not that those are bad) BUT, every year from someone I hear "So how come you are still single? You go to a Christian school right? Shouldn't you have found your soul mate yet? (don't get me started on the useless phrase soul mate). This year was so peaceful, I could enjoy my single hood without being questioned by the doe eyed lovers who can't believe someone could be content being single. Now get me straight, I wouldn't mind a boyfriend, but I am not going to cry my eyes out because I don't have one, I have better things to do with my time. If I am to get rid of my single status then I will be happy, if not, God has plans for my life either way.
Anyway... moving on. In my devotions today I focused on John 12:1-11. The story where Jesus is at Lazarus's (the guy Jesus raised from the dead) house. Jesus was very close to Lazarus and his family, I wish I could have been able to see them hanging out and having dinner together. This particular dinner ended up turning out a little different. Lazarus had a sister named Mary, she was also good friends with Jesus, which I always thought was pretty awesome. This night Mary has a special plan in mind, she is going to wash the feet of Jesus, too me washing another person's feet sounds pretty nasty but in that culture only the slaves washed feet, the ones that were really low on the totem poll. But Mary bought oil which would have cost a years salary, imagine buying oil that cost the salary of an average American just to wash the feet of a friend whom you loved. Not only did she wash his feet with the most expensive and probably if she was anything like me, the most bragged about item she owned, she wiped his feet with her hair; her pride and glory.
The love Mary had for Jesus wasn't just that of good friends, I think Mary understood something that Jesus wasn't just a man who preached radical sayings that defied the oldest and stuffiest religious man, Jesus was what he preached. Jesus was God, Mary took what could have been one of her most prized possessions and poured it over the feet of one of the most important men in the world. This idea has been in the back of my mind all day as I have watched couples around Liberty University where I go to school, give their loved ones flowers, candy, stuffed animals, giant cards etc. All to show how much they love and care for that person. They went out of their way this one day to prove how much they cared. As I observed on the single sideline, I started to wonder, if Jesus were here now, what would I have done on Valentines Day to show my love and reverence to the God who came to earth just to get to know me? Would I have been willing to give my most precious possession? Would I have washed Jesus feet with my hair if I had long hair? How would I have shown my love, what would have been adequate enough to express my love? I really didn't have an answer to that question, I still don't have a good answer. But I do think I am starting to understand why Mary would have given up what could have been one of her most prized possessions and her own pride as a woman of the house. One of the questions that I will be pondering over this journey that I am taking, is this; how much of my own pride am I willing to give up in order to show Jesus I love him, and not just on Valentines Day, but every single day of the year. I want to say all of it... But in honesty, I can't say all of it. Not yet anyway.
Sometimes when you decide to seek God you realize he had been standing next to you the whole time, but you were actually hiding from him. Behind the stupid little things, that in the long run, when we are old and grey, won't even matter.

Day 1. The fast begins.

It has been 24 hours since I logged into facebook. The first day is always the easiest in my opinion, I can definitely say I have not missed it all that much. Although I have to admit my friends are making me curious because they keep saying they are going to post things to my wall. In starting this fast I decided to read through Christ's experiences here on earth. I read Matthew 21:1-11, Jesus and his triumphal entry into Jerusalem. This story has always made me stop and think. When Jesus entered Jerusalem he was hailed as a hero, the savior of the Jews, they wanted him to rescue them and make them a great nation again. They laid olive branches down in front of him and cheered him on as he road down the streets. The funny thing is when Jesus entered the city he did not enter as a man who would conquer another nation. He came in on a donkey... what ruler would enter a celebration riding a donkey? If Jesus were the type of man who came to overthrow the government and he would have ridden in on a majestic horse, riding as a man of importance. Instead he chose one of the ugliest, plainest creatures, a donkey.
Let use our imagination for a moment, picture the scene with me. Jesus is at this point of of the most well known confusing men of his time, he out talks and out thinks some of the smartest religious men of the day, he walks in and out of dangerous situations, he is powerful enough to bring a dead man back to life, to make a blind man see. As men women and children lined the streets screaming his name as he passed he rode an ugly little donkey. Even in this moment Jesus was trying to make a point, he was not there too save the world from the evil government, he was not there to make himself the new ruler. He was there to bring a new hope, a new rescue. Not one of physical power but of spiritual hope, no more would a person have to go through other men to experience God but they could come to God on a one on one basis. Jesus was and still is real and down to earth. I can't wait to continue to get closer to Him as I go through this journey.

My Facebook fast.

Hello my name is Natasha and I am a Facebook addict. I am a college student, last semester senior and for Lent this year I have decided to give up Facebook. Why? Am I crazy? Well to answer the last question first, yes. There are a couple of reasons I am doing this, the first one is I have recognized that I am and shall repeat a facebook addict, I don't just like it or enjoy browsing through what people say, I am one of those girls who every five minutes is checking too see if someone said something new. This is something I need to change. The second is and just as important as the first realization, as silly as this sounds, the time I spend on Facebook detracts from my relarionship with God. Yup, I said it, I spend more time on Facebook then talking to Jesus. Obviously as a Christian, that is not a good thing. For forty days, 40 DAYS, I will not be signing on once. Too be honest, I have doubts and I know others have doubts that I can do this. It would be the same as a crack addict or an alcoholic quitting cold turkey. But as a way to focus on God I have decided to try. Speaking of which, the other part of Lent is this, replacing what you are giving up with something that focuses on God. I live to write so hello blogger, I will be posting once every day for forty days, either a devotional, a story, or an insane crazy rant that has to do with this journey. If I can figure out how to post this too Facebook without signing in, I will (I am technologically challenged though so... My best friend will probably posting this for me).  Tomorrow starts day one, who knows what withdrawl will feel like, but I am supposed to be able to do all things through Christ who strengthens me right (Phillipians 4:13)? I will be asking for a huge helping of Jesus strength the next forty days. So sit back, enjoy the blog, feel free to laugh or join me. The next 40 days are going to be one heck of a ride.