Day 12, Confession

My day today was pretty interested, from the moment I woke up till now, as I am writing this blog. I have to confess that I did not want to go to Church this morning. I flat out decided right before I fell asleep last night that I was going to sleep in and not even bother, I just did not feel like going. Well at 8:36 am EST time. We usually leave for Church at around 10 am. I was not happy when I woke up, not because I always wake up grumpy but I wasn't happy because I literally woke up with energy and was wide awake ready to go... for someone who planned on sleeping in that isn't what you want to feel like. So I started trying to come up with excuses for not going and I could not come up with a single one. Still slightly saddened about missing out on all the sleep I could have gotten. But I do have too say that I am glad I went, my pastor didn't preach which was sad, because I love his preaching but the worship music this morning was wonderful. The choir and the praise team both led and the unity of the two leading worship was amazing. After the Sermon we got to spend time just talking with everyone at Church at a potluck lunch... so much good food. 

Now for the serious part of the "confession" and this is sort of too replace what I normally do with my devotions. The confession is that growing up I witnessed a lot of stupid and hurtful things throughout different Churches, these things were done to my family, sometimes to my friends families and other times it was Church politics getting in the way of reaching out to each other and the community. Because of these things an angry bitterness welled up in my heart against the "Church" it was ugly, it was angry, it pouted and threw temper tantrums. It got to the point towards the end of high school that I didn't even want to step food inside of a Church building I was sick of it all, and I grew up in Church, most of my memories as a Child tend to revolve around the Church in some mater. But I was so angry at situations that had happened that I decided I no longer wanted to be a part of a traditional American Church setting. 

Then I came to a Christian college, I was able to stay away the  traditional Church setting until my Sophomore year when my roommate and her boyfriend convinced me start going to Church with them. That was hard, I tried to play the normal Christian girl routine but I couldn't keep it up, I still had a lot of bitterness and anger in my heart. But as I kept going I started noticing that the people in this Church were different, yes there was still politics, everyone is human but I started healing from the hurt that I experienced by being loved on by people who truly lived what they believed about Jesus. I know this sounds strange coming form someone who grew up surrounded by everything that has to do with Church. But I seriously hated the idea of a Church building and having to go every Sunday. But God seriously started breaking the through the anger in my heart this Christmas. The bitterness I was holding wasn't helping me in fact it was hurting me a lot more then I cared to admit. I had to forgive. I didn't want to but I had too. 

The moment that completely broke through the bitterness of my heart was one Sunday a lady at our Church who has some mental disabilities was brought up to the front of the congregation and everyone sang her Happy Birthday, I broke down crying. You see, what made me so angry at the Church was my sister, who has a mental disability who almost died at birth, wasn't expected to live to birth but surpassed everything the Doctors ever said was told that she no longer allowed to go to a certain program which though she was much older physically then the children mentally she was the same age as them. This broke her heart completely, my poor innocent mentally handicapped sister who loved church and would ask everyday if she could go back, came home and said she would never go to Church again. I still fight the bitterness and hatred in my heart against those who broke her heart. But God showed me that in having an attitude like that I was in the wrong. Yes, every Church has problems and makes mistakes but turning my back on them does not help. 

I will have to talk more about the steps I had to take to start forgiving people, but I do have good news about my sister, she has started going back to Church, we no longer are at the one we were at, which I think helped her, but she goes a lot more and I think she will continue to go a lot more. I also have been able to walk into Church without feeling sick, and even though mornings like this morning come and go, I am usually glad that I ended up spending time with a group of people who love God as much as I do and they love each other, where I can lift my hands in the air and praise Jesus. That is what makes Church worth it.