Wow, I cannot believe that only five days have passed since I have been on Facebook. Definitely feels like I have been off for much longer then that. The desire to log in has been strong over the past couple of days. Just to chat with people or look up funny videos. I have also noticed that because I had Facebook on my phone that I developed the habit of whenever my mind wandered in the middle of homework I would check my phone. So over the past couple of days I have caught myself staring at my phone for no reason at all.
I know I mentioned the other day that loneliness was a huge factor in my temptation to get online and log into Facebook. Every once in a while I will still get momentary feeling of being alone and my first thought is get on Facebook. I have decided that whenever I have this feeling I am going to pray for strength and calm in the moments I feel alone. I have only remembered a few times but those few times I have experienced a few moment of utter peace. It was beautiful. I really do think that God is trying to teach me that is ok to be alone. Which is hard because I am such a social person and I really enjoy being around people. But I don't have to be in constant communication with people.
I think that I am going to start hitting the hard stretches of this fast over the next couple of weeks. giving up something you really like is never an easy thing to do. I know that it will be worth it though. I have spent a lot more time in prayer over the past five days and I have read God's word every single day. Which is really something that I struggle with on a regular basis. I will go weeks and months only reading my Bible sporadically, which if I want to grow in my spiritual life that is not good. I will also spends weeks and months reading non stop. Finding the balance of designating time to give just to God in my life has sadly been something that I have not done on a regular basis. This fast has made me ask myself a very hard question. Where are my priorities?
I always say that my first priority is God, then my family, then friends and school; but if I truly sit down and reflect on my life and where I spend the most time that list looks a little bit different. I spent most of my days studying, on some sort of social media/internet site and hanging out with friends. God is definitely in there.. but where? Where is God really in my life? I don't want to answer that question, especially not in a blog where everyone can see. I would rather put on a Christian mask and say all the right Christian things. Instead if I am being completely honest, and I like to be honest; I think my list of priorities would look more like this. 1-Me,straight up, I want to make sure that I don't do anything that is going to hurt me. 2-School and Friends, they are really about equal in my life. 3-Entertainment and Family, I love movies and music and anything fun and I love my family but I am so far away from them ( I am in Virginia they are on the West coast) there isn't much I can do other then call them. 4-God, reading his word, praying actually thinking about my relationship with God.
Ouch... I feel like the worst Christian ever... My thoughts and my actions aren't matching up. Wham, spiritual two by four to the side of the head. Now what? Well as I go through this journey of getting to know Jesus better, I am also getting to know myself better. Now that I have admitted that there is something in my life that I need to change, in order to change I need to actually take a few steps. I gotta bring God to the forefront, as I mentioned in my blog yesterday, if I am going to give my life to God, then I really have to mean it. This little fast is a small step in the right direction. then putting family a little higher on the list is another thing that I want to work on. Soul searching is not an easy thing to do. Neither is admitting that you are wrong in areas. I definitely have some things to work on. I am thankful God has patience to help and the power to give me strength to change what I see in myself.
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